Chee chee! Andha pazham pulikkum - A case of sour grapes?
Over an eventful weekend I realized something I had been avoiding thinking about consciously. Yesterday K and I drove close to 370 miles to attend two kiddie birthday parties. Yes. You heard that right. To put it in perspective, its like waking up in Chennai and deciding at 8:30 to drive out to Bangalore for lunch and be back in Chennai for dinner. 
It was fun for many reasons. The kids were adorable. The company was nice and best of all I met someone from my college I had forgotten existed for the past 16 years. Standing in one corner of the room, I watched this guy in a kurta with my mental wheels spinning. “I know this guy!” I thought. Problem was I did not remember where I knew him from or what his name was. He was very familiar and I knew that I had known him well at some point in my life.
Staying away from him while I sorted it out in my head, I was in line with a plate in hand to pick food up from a sumptuous buffet when I heard a voice exclaim “Lakshmi?”. I turned and it was him. I smiled and said yes and was hesitating to find out what his name was when it all came flooding back. S was my college senior. One of my good friends was his best friend in school. We had spent many an afternoon and evening as a gang sitting in the shade of the trees that lined our college stadium talking inane things none of which mattered to our lives then or now.
Watching him introduce us to his lovely wife and children I felt a sense of growing up in a hurry. Meeting someone from the past and seeing how a decade and half has treated them is an eye opening experience. The greying temples, the world weary shoulders, the confidence in knowing life is all that and more than we had imagined then.
Mulling over it on our ride back, I couldn’t help noticing that he had two kids where I had none. This was weighing on my mind when I entered the other birthday party. Watching my friends running after their kids I felt alien. Standing in groups of two or three I realized a couple of things that did not crystallize in my mind till now. A day later.
All my married life I had taken for granted I would be a mom. I was ready to rearrange my life preparing for this eventuality. I was willing to give up my career, uproot my life, do anything to bear the marks of motherhood. As years passed and the longing dulled into realization it is not an easy road ahead, I also started noticing things I had been blind to all this while. Mothers walk around with their “hearts outside their body” to quote another blogger (I can’t seem to find that post to link back now). Their lives revolve around the kids more than anything else. While all this time, I was only picking up on what a joy kids were and how much it changed every body’s life in a positive manner, I was either immune or blind to how much of that change is overwhelming or in some ways a complete curve-ball. Standing in a corner watching the “mother” take over all the other identities each person had, I felt may be the choice I had was not all that bad. Perhaps, irrespective of the fact that I did not choose to be child-free, the option was not something to dread or feel sad about all my life. Perhaps, all the time that I would not be worrying about my kids or organizing their lives could be spent doing things I might otherwise not had the time for. Perhaps, being childless was not such a bad thing after all.
Perhaps, it was/is a case of sour grapes. I don’t know but what I felt this weekend surprised me.
PS: I am not throwing myself a pity party. Just reflecting that opinions/attitudes change and sometimes we end up seeing the diametric opposite of what we want to believe.
Laksh.. I don’t know how to say this right, but I will try my best to. Kids are wonderful, yet there are times I wish I didn’t have the responsibility and could go bungee jump when I liked.
I have read several of your posts about this topic, and I MUST say you have accepted this part of your life with graciousness and a maturity that is hard to find. From what I have read from your blog, I gather, you are a great person, and I am sure there are a lot of people out there who feel special for having you as a part of their lives whether they are your kids or not.
I truly don’t know how to respond to this entry of yours. There has been many a time I felt A to be such a huge burden (still do…) With all that is happening in my life; the fear of doing something wrong, the fear of bringing A down along with me haunts me. Though I should say that he is the only source of joy too.
Being a mother, being career oriented, being a working mother, being a stay at home mother….finally, the choice is yours. I am sorry…you might have heard this from others. I always wanted to and still do (if my finances, situation are sorted out…) adopt a child. This is obviously up to you and K. If you have decided against it - that is fine too. I know you are a wonderful person. I wish you the best in anything and everything you undertake.
I guess I can easily write a post with the same title about doing a masters or having a job! Life is like that…I realised that I am not going to be bulldozed by others knowingly or unknowingly. There will still be days I will hate having had A. There are many days I wish I had a career, made my own money/life….End of the day/life; I just wish to be remembered as a good person which I know I am. Success in anything is absolutely relative. I don’t know if I ever will land a job; I am just thankful that I am not a total zero thanks to A.
I have rambled on here as usual. Don’t know if I have even remotely conveyed what I want to. *hugs* I wish you the very best and hope you and K have all the happiness you ever wanted in life.
ah, but see, we all respect you enough to not consider this a self-pity post. We have brains you know :-p Something I take that my readers have too
so yea, the post and on moms: at the risk of sounding like a horribly bad cruel mom, sometimes I wish what if I had my kids much later than I had, or dreaming of me alone in my house. I love my kids and I know my life revolves around them to an extent, but yes, I am a human after all and I like my space.
That said, am definitely not a child-is-my-life mom. They are a part of me and surely do not exclusively define me.
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@Rekha: Thank you. I really hope so too that I will understand that people want me in their lives kids or no kids.
@Apar: I get what you mean. Re adoption. Its never as easy as “Oh! you can always adopt.” Yes. it is on our minds. Sometimes, it takes time to bring closure to one chapter of our lives before we start on another.
@rads: LOL! I certainly do think my readers are intelligent enough to understand that this is not a self pity post. That PS note was an afterthought. I read the post myself this morning and wondered if it felt like I was cribbing. I just wanted to make it clear that all is well and am I am just reflecting on how this realization surprised me
Laksh,
As Rekha has pointed out, kudos to you for handling this with maturity and wisdom. Thank goodness we do not belong in the generation that saw women’s role has just a wife and mother. Today I think each individual can define what brings happiness to them and live life according to their standards. Hope you find happiness and fulfillment in the choices you take
@Naan: I hope so too. Am also glad that as a generation we can talk about it rather than bear it silently!
realization doesn’t come due to the sour grapes attitude, I think it comes when the current going is good and when one is content with one’s life:)
@Sachita: Whichever way we look at it, am glad am at a stage where I can talk about it without heart tugging pain.
I am glad you added that little note at the end, because I didn’t quite catch the spirit of the post… I thought you were making a case for the unspoken side of motherhood.
I think my career will likely fall under the category of case of sour grapes. When I did my Master’s program, I was ambitious, and felt more is better. But over the years, my ambition has certainly toned down, and I am shooting for just enough, so that I can strike a balance with other aspects of life. I make peace with the situation under the guise of work-life balance. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it helps me make peace with that situation.
@Suman: Absolutely my point. Am glad I added the PS too. I guess no decision whether under our control or not, gets to a point where we can look at it without regrets is the best place to be.
I exactly feel the same; in some or other way I am blessed to be a child-free, something alike. I don’t have a damn reason to be late to office to tell I’m late because I’ve a kid. I don’t feel helpless during an inevitable presentation which goes longer than expected, because I’ve a kid. I don’t have to paint or clean my walls on and often, because I’ve a kid. So many to reason out to feel blessed this way when I hear a lot from my friends who are moms when they talk about. But yes I do long for a Kid to get the bliss of motherhood inspite of all the pain it comes with. But I feel it is always green on the otherside of the river bank.
@Deepa: I exactly know what you mean. Hugs!