Musings

Saturday evening saw K and I at our local temple. Having reached earlier than my bro and family, we took our time admiring the different idols there and took in the ambience. Looking over casually at the new hall that was built as part of the temple we realized there was a free bhajan/devotional music concert starting in a couple of minutes. Curiosity piqued, we made our way in and picked the last couple of seats knowing we would walk out midway.

The bhajan session was by Kailash Anuj and Piyusha Anuj supported by their son on the tabla and two other local musicians. As we watched them take the Dias after the intro, my mind was skeptical. By the time they were into the second song “Hari Bhol” I was a convert. As my foot tapped and head swayed to the music, I noticed I was mouthing the words and merging into the one voice that was raising from the hall. Even as we left after sighting my bro and family, my mind was decades back in a house across the street.

Growing up I spent a good many evenings sitting in a hall across from my home in a neighbors home singing at the top of my voice till I was hoarse. The clashing of the cymbals and the powerful lead singer who’s voice rose steadily and clearly above the crowd resonated with devotion and oneness with the divine. For a couple of hours at a stretch I would forget myself, forget my inability to hold a tune, forget that in normal times I would not venture to even hum along a tune I knew well and immerse myself in a chorus that traversed time and faith. The group would reach a crescendo and the silence that followed would feel strange and comforting.

It was the anonymity in a crowd which came together in a love for music and faith in the one person the songs were an ode to. I joined not because I was a believer but because the music drew me there. I found something that moved me and touched me at an intangible level. Somewhere between then and now, I had forgotten all about that experience and the bhajans night at the temple brought it all back.

Epiphany

I stepped out of my home rushing to get to work for an early morning call. In the throes of the morning rush, this bunch of bushes caught my notice and I slowed down visibly. Mentally too. I stopped to admire and capture it. Settling into the passenger seat as I always do, I fiddled with the phone and eventually kept going back to the picture.

Wondering what was it about this simple picture of a flowering bush by the wayside that captured me so much, I realized it had to do with my frame of mind. Caught in a mindless rush of emotions and thoughts hurtling towards the future, the simplicity of a flower that lives but for a few days, gives joy to many and food to the bees that swarm around it made me stop in my tracks. These past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking so much about the future that the present has been passing me by.

In honor of the flowers that brought me back to earth, I title this Epiphany. I would love to hear your take on this.

Imagine this.

All your life growing up, you took it for granted that you’d grow up, go to college, get a job, get married, build a career, have babies, go through mid life crisis, lose your parents and retire. If somewhere in this list, you hit a glitch, how do you cope? You look around and all the people you know seem to be chugging along predictive lines. Where do you go for inspiration? Do you trust yourself to take the right decisions? Do you look to strangers for inspiration? What is it you do?

This is not about me. This past week I have been going through strange conversations in my head which is making me rethink all my safe ideas of the future. I realize I have no clue. About coping, about reaching out. About anything at all.

Last Friday went past in a blur that included working on a presentation, presenting it and heading out to a reception where the winners were announced. Circling the room with my tray of veggies and dip, I met some nice people, conversed for conversation sakes and clapped till my hands ached. As the winners went up to receive the trophy, it suddenly hit me that I did care about winning. It was fine and dandy to say winning wasn’t everything and not giving hundred percent. It was cool even. But it was not me. Lesson learnt.

Mulling over these thoughts, my friend and I headed back to the room. Relaxing a bit, we then stepped out for a spot of shopping. Most shops were closed. Wandering past Wharton, I was awestruck at what represented the best in business schools. Stopping to get a mug shot, we went past and found ourselves at this college hangout called Mad Mex.

Hesitating for just a moment, I followed my friend in. We found a good part of our class there. The evening was young and the conversation varied. Shouting to be heard and nursing a glass of Sangria, I clicked away with my phone. The faces around me looked relaxed, the smiles bigger and suddenly the world felt friendlier. Hanging out for over an hour, we then left to get dinner at a local pizzeria. It was getting dark and the conversation took a different turn. As we shared peeks into each others lives, a new friendship was born.

The following day, driving back home my mind was in a swirl of thoughts. In the three days I had been away, I had not had the time to think of home, worry about whether K had food or if the team I worked with in the office had issues and needed to talk to me. The world went on. All was well and I enjoyed leaving behind everything I knew to make forays into a world that had always intimidated me. In some ways I felt younger, care free and enjoyed the anonymity it offered. I was free to define myself any which way I wanted. Like writing on a clean slate.

With every term of the MBA that is over, I am not sure what value I am taking away from the courses I complete, but I do know that I am evolving as a person. Each class and every activity pushes me beyond my comfort zone and I am liking what I discover. To new horizons I think and clink glasses mentally.

Done talking with my FIL, K turned on the TV. In over one hour of programming we were exposed to a slew of ads for Father’s day. My mind travelled years back in time. With no special day to remember dads or make them feel special. I hope you knew you were always special. You were my pet. If that makes any sense. I loved you, adored you and looked up to you. In job interviews and personality development sessions when the questions about leaders or inspirational people arise, my thoughts always go to you. For me, you stand right up there with the leaders of the world. You taught me all there is to know about ethics and honesty, about equality and compassion, about empathy and listening.

Each day as you came back from a gruelling day at work, I watched you listen to Amma as she vented her frustrations. I sat content at your feet while you stroked my head and watched TV. I loved it when you asked me to make ’sottu kaapi’ before you called it a day. I was proud when you visited me in that tiny apartment I call my first home and I made macaroni for you and served it with ketchup. I loved you for it when you finished it without a word and asked for more. I cherish the memories of you and me going shopping a long time back to get a dress for my sister for her birthday. I remember picking a solid lilac colored boring dress and you agreeing with me that it was smart. It was fun going home and listening to Amma pick it apart as a team. Us versus her.

I remember you trusting me with princely sums of money as I lived away from home and never once asking me how I spent it or why. I remember you tirelessly calling random people in the quest for a perfect son in law. I cherish how you never once took me to task after calling off a marriage that was doomed from the start. I love you for patiently and silently standing by my side as I went through teenage angst and a rebellious streak. I remember you leaning back with my weight on a bundle of sticks refusing to sit on a chair as you wanted your daughter’s marriage to be perfect. I remember fondly your pot belly and your incessant ‘walks’ around the house hands behind your back.
I smile looking at the picture in front of me as you watch over me from above. It has been three years almost and not a day passes without you crossing my thoughts. Father’s day is not for me. Every day has been and will be special for me because of you. I love you and miss you Appa.

Waking up at an impossibly early hour of 4:45, I sleep walked most of the next hour getting ready to head out by train to University City Philly. Exchanging text messages with a friend from my class I was sharing a room with, I was excited and anxious as always. The day went past in a blur of guest lectures, filling lasagna and meeting new people. For three hours, my team and I pored over a case study and noted down points we needed to create a presentation. That was it. The crux of the two and half day residency. [...]

Tired of the BS. Tired of waiting. Tired of being miss goody two shoes. Tired of having the right attitude. Tired of looking at the best in life. Tired of pushing down the overwhelming pain in my gut. Tired of being sunny.
I give up.
I know. I know. It is a phase. Things will turn around. I will feel silly for having put this out there. I don’t want to hear it now.

Filling water in my flask in the office kitchen, I shared stories from yesterday evening with my colleague. As I walked back to my desk I was aware of how snug my jeans felt. Leaning back in my chair, ready to face the day, I was suddenly reminded of Friday evening. K and I spent a nice evening with UL and family. We went to the temple and to Hot Breads from there. As we sat around the table, my attention turned to a couple sitting across from me. They look like newly weds I thought and went back to [...]

Sa went from being a regular blog to a bi weekly webzine. In my short association with Sa, my respect for it has gone up many fold. It takes a great deal of commitment and passion to make something like this come to fruition. Hats off Sneha and Shweta!! May Sa go from strength to strength.
If you have not already checked it out, please do.
PS: This is the piece on abuse I alluded to in an earlier post.

Yup. It’s done finally. I mean the Spring term of my course. I have a mini break of a week before I start the Summer term. I woke up today feeling giggly and happy for no reason. Then I remembered. I have no exam to study for. No paper due. No reading up to do. At least for the next two - three days and it feels like vacation.
I am already looking forward to the evening temple visit with UL - our yearly ritual. The weekend will be spent doing what I usually do every weekend except it will feel [...]

Bubbly, breezy, she entered my life many, many years back. Till date, when I think of her effervescence is the word that comes to mind. While I wish her a lovely, lovely day and hope the year(s) ahead will be filled with joy for her. I want to share this video that I love and reminds me of her.

Happy Birthday!!!

Another year passed us by. Brushing over the blemishes. Masking the imperfections. Leaving behind the dull glow of burnished gold. That’s exactly how I think of the relationship K and I share. Ours is not the crash and burn chemistry. Nor is it a cloyingly sweet Yash Chopra movie.
We have our share of differences but with every passing year, I have trouble recollecting our last big fight. I watch him smile and talk in to the phone. His angular jaw making him look young and the smile reaching his eyes. I am struck by how much I am in love [...]

Friday evening we left work in the kind of rain I hate. Incessant, dripping, cold, slow drizzle. Shivering in my short sleeved cotton shirt and the hem of my blue jean caked with mud I traipsed behind K on our weekly visit to Maisie’s Farm. A local community supported agriculture effort. We signed up just to get an idea of rustic America.
Stepping gingerly on wooden planks that led to the barn that housed the produce, I looked around. It was no different from the villages of yore that I frequented as a child. The cement slab, the mud caked area [...]

Yesterday was last day of class for Marketing with the paper due next week. As we listened to the Prof. summarize the term for us, my mind was already racing ahead in the future wondering if ever I will get to apply these concepts at work. We got done early and the college was sponsoring hors d’oeuvres at the local brew house. As class wrapped up, I got ready to go home when one of the girls suggested I join. I had my trademark “No, I’d rather get home.” on my lips when on an impulse I said “Yes! why [...]

Late yesterday I was trying to put my thoughts together on the topic of abuse within normal homes for Sa and kept meandering. There is so much I want to say but words just don’t fall together like they aught to. Struggling for a while I gave up and switched on the TV to this.
 Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson Because of You

I was struck with how this song resonated with what I felt. Since yesterday, this has been on my mind. I’d love to hear your take on abuse within the context of marriage/live in relationship and no am not [...]

Every now and then, I read a post elsewhere and my mind goes on its own track. It could be a meme like the one Preeti has here or the rather serious one by Usha here. All day the idea wraps and unwraps itself in my head. A slow repetitive process. The thoughts crystallize and sometimes burst out with a speed that has to be captured immediately. Sometimes they percolate. Drop by drop they add up. Sometimes it distills into a morphed idea I pin down here. Sometimes I let it go. The idea evaporates without a trace.
I realize writing [...]

This weekend K and I caught this rather simple rustic tale on DVD. The movie is Welcome to Sajjanpur by Shyam Benegal. We picked the DVD at our local desi grocer. The name intrigued us as well as the reco that came with it. It sat on our coffee table for a week before we actually got around to watching it.
It was such a fun, heartwarming tale that it made me feel better about the fine we were to pay on it. The plot stars the sole educated (BA pass) guy in a village in Bihar. He makes a living [...]

A BIG Thank You to all of you who took the survey for me. I received 33 responses which I think is a fairly decent number for the kind of survey I was doing. I am getting started on analysing the data and decided to make the survey page and post private since additional responses would skew the data should I need to go back and look at it. If any of you are interested in the outcome of the survey, leave me a note in the comments and I will be sure to share my paper with you after [...]

With only silence for company this morning, the deck door open, cool air wafting in, I set out to clean the mess that was my kitchen. Starting with the island, I wiped, washed, dried and turned my attention to the sink. Watching layers of dust and grime wash off, the actual feel of the metal against my skin strangely made me happy. Washing the microwave glass plate in warm sudsy water, I watched it slip from my hand. There was nothing I could do. It was a feeling of sheer helplessness. I could feel it slipping, my hands too soapy [...]

Back from class bowls of steaming hot pongal in hand K and I tuned in to watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee live. We started when there were 11 people in the competition. Through the rounds as one after the other fell till there were just Kavya Shivashankar and Aishwarya Pastapur along with another little boy who’s name I don’t recall now. As they entered the championship round and Aishwarya fell, K and I grieved with her. This bright eyed girl was our favorite followed by Kavya. Next the boy succumbed and it left Kavya with one word to get [...]